I couldn't get it up.
Not mentally, not physically, nothing.
I was horny as hell, had a hot girl in my bed, and couldn't do more than let her lay on me and watch TV. I bugged out and while my invisi-dick was throbbing for attention, I just couldn't perform. I thought I was open, available, and quite honestly a decent player (which I must be, I got her in my bed with a few nasty texts to skip class and go play instead), but from the point she was in my room to the point I had to leave for work I couldn't figure out what to do, or what to have her do. I guess it would have helped if she would have jumped right in and started some shit, but the respect that she allotted me as to not do anything she wasn't sure I would be comfortable with was so important.
I guess when it comes down to it, I knew I was comfortable enough to get her into my bed, to talk dirty, and to get a nice picture of her ass (oh yeah. ;) ) but from there I froze up and didn't want to really be touched or to touch. Part of me was afraid to lose control but another part just... didn't want it to be her. Damn my romantic nature to hell.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Catching Up and Starting Blogging Again
I haven't written in a long time. Again. But I am going to finally start writing because I feel that this blog is important to both me and the people that read it, as well as raising awareness to gender variance and identities outside of the usual trans* identities that society is familiar with. I've just been going through a lot, learning about myself, open relationships, my true love, and the people around me.
And I'm quitting my job to begin a web design business.
Yep, I've been busy. To shorten it up, my full identity is now "Bisexual Gender Variant Masculine Vampire."
Hot isn't it?
There's that, too. I finally came out as bi. That's been an adventure all of its own. A lot of self-hatred surprisingly came along with it, but I'm a lot happier now. Kind of. But I've also been dealing with a lot of discrimination by people on my floor, my professors, my college, and some friends that I thought supported me and now apparently don't. I'm out to my dad as gender variant, but not bisexual, because I really don't want to swamp him all at once.
Life. Kind of sucks, doesn't it? I've also been struggling with some emotional/personal issues, ranging from battling mild bipolar issues and going off meds that were making my mood swings to the point of dangerous, and being now 45lbs heavier than I was when I went on those meds, and hating my body.
I bind now, actually more than I pack, and I love it. These are all things I will talk about more later, but I figured I'd give you all an overview and an "I'm still alive!"
(My Twitter has changed) @CelticTechie
I did this because I have said some pretty personal things and only want close friends or people who don't actually know me finding it.
And I'm quitting my job to begin a web design business.
Yep, I've been busy. To shorten it up, my full identity is now "Bisexual Gender Variant Masculine Vampire."
Hot isn't it?
There's that, too. I finally came out as bi. That's been an adventure all of its own. A lot of self-hatred surprisingly came along with it, but I'm a lot happier now. Kind of. But I've also been dealing with a lot of discrimination by people on my floor, my professors, my college, and some friends that I thought supported me and now apparently don't. I'm out to my dad as gender variant, but not bisexual, because I really don't want to swamp him all at once.
Life. Kind of sucks, doesn't it? I've also been struggling with some emotional/personal issues, ranging from battling mild bipolar issues and going off meds that were making my mood swings to the point of dangerous, and being now 45lbs heavier than I was when I went on those meds, and hating my body.
I bind now, actually more than I pack, and I love it. These are all things I will talk about more later, but I figured I'd give you all an overview and an "I'm still alive!"
(My Twitter has changed) @CelticTechie
I did this because I have said some pretty personal things and only want close friends or people who don't actually know me finding it.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Why I haven't Written
Long story short, I was struggling.
With Life.
With my gender identity,
With my sexuality.
With my family life.
With my friends.
With work.
With school.
Should I continue?
Anyway, it's time to fill my readers in on my life as I currently know it. I came out to him. :D Yes, you read that right, the man of the hour. I told him about my gender identity. I had a huge mental collapse and didn't know where else to turn but to find out what he actually thought about me, and my gender, and how I feel about him, and everything I've been bottling up more and more ever since I came out to myself.
And my god, it was the most fulfilling experience of my life. He reacted so well, he's so supportive... he's everything I need when it comes to becoming who I really am. We also even came to agreements about how I feel towards him, which is another insane thing. These are things we never discussed vocally to each other before, only through instant messaging. And hearing his voice be so supportive of me, and want to be there for me through all of it, was just the greatest gift he could have given me. No questions, no lack of understanding present, just genuine happiness that I am discovering myself.
Lately, whenever I'm feeling down, this is what I think about. It doesn't always help, but quite often it does. I also still have my trans group, which has been an excellent support system, and other supportive friends. But there's still something about the boy being so understanding and supportive that makes me so happy.
Other things include that I have been presenting more masculine than ever (mens long sleeve crew shirts are so comfy!) but I haven't been packing very much. I want to go back to packing, but it does take a little bit of patience (having to get my harness ready in the morning, having specific underwear to use, etc) and I tend to get lazy. I've started considering a breast reduction surgery. First I want to continue trying losing weight first, though.
Also, I get my new dildo today! I got paid so I get to order it! YAY :) I've also been struggling with my sexuality lately. This is how I currently define it: a "gay male-minded" asexual nymphomaniac. Have fun with that.
With Life.
With my gender identity,
With my sexuality.
With my family life.
With my friends.
With work.
With school.
Should I continue?
Anyway, it's time to fill my readers in on my life as I currently know it. I came out to him. :D Yes, you read that right, the man of the hour. I told him about my gender identity. I had a huge mental collapse and didn't know where else to turn but to find out what he actually thought about me, and my gender, and how I feel about him, and everything I've been bottling up more and more ever since I came out to myself.
And my god, it was the most fulfilling experience of my life. He reacted so well, he's so supportive... he's everything I need when it comes to becoming who I really am. We also even came to agreements about how I feel towards him, which is another insane thing. These are things we never discussed vocally to each other before, only through instant messaging. And hearing his voice be so supportive of me, and want to be there for me through all of it, was just the greatest gift he could have given me. No questions, no lack of understanding present, just genuine happiness that I am discovering myself.
Lately, whenever I'm feeling down, this is what I think about. It doesn't always help, but quite often it does. I also still have my trans group, which has been an excellent support system, and other supportive friends. But there's still something about the boy being so understanding and supportive that makes me so happy.
Other things include that I have been presenting more masculine than ever (mens long sleeve crew shirts are so comfy!) but I haven't been packing very much. I want to go back to packing, but it does take a little bit of patience (having to get my harness ready in the morning, having specific underwear to use, etc) and I tend to get lazy. I've started considering a breast reduction surgery. First I want to continue trying losing weight first, though.
Also, I get my new dildo today! I got paid so I get to order it! YAY :) I've also been struggling with my sexuality lately. This is how I currently define it: a "gay male-minded" asexual nymphomaniac. Have fun with that.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Friday, December 23, 2011
Gender Variant Bottom Health
I watch a lot of YouTube videos. I like learning about the trans community and the like, and one of the most common topics is bottom health for FtM's. While it is not the same for a gender variant person, I feel as if it's a topic that's never been touched in my category and while it's most certainly different from person to person, I think I'll talk a bit about it.
Gender Variance and the nether region...
So, in my form of gender variance, I am willing to... enjoy the pleasures... of having a vaj region, but in most cases I want to pretend it's not there. I don't like looking down there, I don't like seeing it... I'd rather not HAVE a sex organ. Yes, I do pack. Why you may ask, if I don't want a sex organ? To me, my bottom region is a mystery even to myself, and packing helps me reflect that. Do I have a penis? A vagina? A mix? Neither? There's a scene in Dogma where Alan Rickman yanks off his pants and he's "as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll," and that's how I feel. So how do I have to take care of this? I have Ovarian Cancer in my family, and unfortunately humans born female need to have special exams since, for crying out loud, we have a giant hole leading to the baby carrier. This in and of itself is a challenge.
The Physical Health
Things I've noticed since I started packing are that it can get a little smelly down there if using a harness with underwear underneath like I do. How I usually pack is: a pair of female panties covered by my harness, with boxers or boxer briefs over the top to give me that "package" effect I like to see. With 3 layers not including pants, it can get sweaty down there fast. Sometimes what can happen is a mild odor, and sometimes others around you might be able to smell it. I wouldn't say its bad, but it's definitely a "my vagina is sweating" moment that can get uncomfortable. I would recommend washing thoroughly down there every day.
Another thing is to wash the packer often. I usually wash mine about once a week. Yeah, lint is ugly and gross but it isn't the end of the world. However, you don't want your packer clinging onto any bacteria or such and getting truly nasty. This can also help odors since new packers often smell latexy or rubbery.
So... exams. I'm 20. I've only had one and it was because I had a mild yeast infection. I cried so hard. That was the first time I realized I wanted nothing to do with my crotch. I didn't want a penis, I just didn't want a vagina. But it needs to be done. There are so many health problems that can occur, but the good news is, if you are not sexually active you can wait until you are 22! I was excited to hear that. One good thing about being a virgin! Yay! (Rolls eyes) But hey, it's true. Make sure you have a doctor that you are comfortable with, and that will explain to you what's going on. But also make sure there isn't a student that tags along because that's just uncomfortable.
The Mental Health
I have a lot of issues mentally with what's going on down there and it can change day to day. I had an incident recently that made me never want to pack again (involving rude comments from someone who had no right to judge whether I pack or not) but when it all comes down to it, sometimes it's the only thing that can help when you don't know what you want down there. So, packing is a big deal for me. If I'm feeling really down about myself it can boost my attitude and make me feel masculine enough to fight back against the world. I don't always need it. I only pack about once a week, if that, but when I do it's a great feeling.
Shaving. I tried the whole shave it clean thing once and had the worst dysphoria of my life. I did not like having to see what was there. It's grown back now thankfully and I'm actually letting it get a little wild down there out of spite for what I did. But my usual is to keep it groomed (trimmed and shaved around the edges/opening) because that keeps your region cleaner and less chance of infection, as well as makes you look a little less messy if you have a partner that's going to be playing down there. Even bio men who groom are excellent in my mind. Makes it look like you care about your privates if you keep them in at least nicely groomed order.
So, what do I do to try to help the fact I don't want to see my crotch? I wear pants/boxers/undies/anything that covers it as much as possible. When I masturbate I focus on either the inside of my eyelids or porn so that I don't have to look down there. In my mentality I see my crotch as just a pleasurable place. It doesn't have a formation if I don't have to look at it. TMI about the masturbation? Yep :P but now you know. I just try not to look at it and it won't bother me. If I can't see it, someone else can't either and as such, it doesn't have to even exist!
Uses of my Bio (or not Bio) Parts
Yeah. I wan't to ignore it exists, but... My big goal in life is to have a family. AKA birth children myself. It's odd but I'm okay with the parts that are INSIDE of me. It's the outside that bothers me. I'm glad I have the parts to birth children. I feel like that's going to be an honor. Doesn't mean I have to like what the outside looks like.
The clit. My favorite outside bit. Just because I don't look at it doesn't mean I don't know what it does. I have considered clitoral enlargement. I really like the idea of being able to whack it off.
Strap-ons. I will be banging my guy up his ass with one when the time comes. I love the idea of being the fuck-er, not just the fuck-ee. We can switch off, I'm open to receiving in any hole, but I also want to get sucked and fuck as well.
I hope you find my article enjoyable! I can expand on more at any time!
Gender Variance and the nether region...
So, in my form of gender variance, I am willing to... enjoy the pleasures... of having a vaj region, but in most cases I want to pretend it's not there. I don't like looking down there, I don't like seeing it... I'd rather not HAVE a sex organ. Yes, I do pack. Why you may ask, if I don't want a sex organ? To me, my bottom region is a mystery even to myself, and packing helps me reflect that. Do I have a penis? A vagina? A mix? Neither? There's a scene in Dogma where Alan Rickman yanks off his pants and he's "as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll," and that's how I feel. So how do I have to take care of this? I have Ovarian Cancer in my family, and unfortunately humans born female need to have special exams since, for crying out loud, we have a giant hole leading to the baby carrier. This in and of itself is a challenge.
The Physical Health
Things I've noticed since I started packing are that it can get a little smelly down there if using a harness with underwear underneath like I do. How I usually pack is: a pair of female panties covered by my harness, with boxers or boxer briefs over the top to give me that "package" effect I like to see. With 3 layers not including pants, it can get sweaty down there fast. Sometimes what can happen is a mild odor, and sometimes others around you might be able to smell it. I wouldn't say its bad, but it's definitely a "my vagina is sweating" moment that can get uncomfortable. I would recommend washing thoroughly down there every day.
Another thing is to wash the packer often. I usually wash mine about once a week. Yeah, lint is ugly and gross but it isn't the end of the world. However, you don't want your packer clinging onto any bacteria or such and getting truly nasty. This can also help odors since new packers often smell latexy or rubbery.
So... exams. I'm 20. I've only had one and it was because I had a mild yeast infection. I cried so hard. That was the first time I realized I wanted nothing to do with my crotch. I didn't want a penis, I just didn't want a vagina. But it needs to be done. There are so many health problems that can occur, but the good news is, if you are not sexually active you can wait until you are 22! I was excited to hear that. One good thing about being a virgin! Yay! (Rolls eyes) But hey, it's true. Make sure you have a doctor that you are comfortable with, and that will explain to you what's going on. But also make sure there isn't a student that tags along because that's just uncomfortable.
The Mental Health
I have a lot of issues mentally with what's going on down there and it can change day to day. I had an incident recently that made me never want to pack again (involving rude comments from someone who had no right to judge whether I pack or not) but when it all comes down to it, sometimes it's the only thing that can help when you don't know what you want down there. So, packing is a big deal for me. If I'm feeling really down about myself it can boost my attitude and make me feel masculine enough to fight back against the world. I don't always need it. I only pack about once a week, if that, but when I do it's a great feeling.
Shaving. I tried the whole shave it clean thing once and had the worst dysphoria of my life. I did not like having to see what was there. It's grown back now thankfully and I'm actually letting it get a little wild down there out of spite for what I did. But my usual is to keep it groomed (trimmed and shaved around the edges/opening) because that keeps your region cleaner and less chance of infection, as well as makes you look a little less messy if you have a partner that's going to be playing down there. Even bio men who groom are excellent in my mind. Makes it look like you care about your privates if you keep them in at least nicely groomed order.
So, what do I do to try to help the fact I don't want to see my crotch? I wear pants/boxers/undies/anything that covers it as much as possible. When I masturbate I focus on either the inside of my eyelids or porn so that I don't have to look down there. In my mentality I see my crotch as just a pleasurable place. It doesn't have a formation if I don't have to look at it. TMI about the masturbation? Yep :P but now you know. I just try not to look at it and it won't bother me. If I can't see it, someone else can't either and as such, it doesn't have to even exist!
Uses of my Bio (or not Bio) Parts
Yeah. I wan't to ignore it exists, but... My big goal in life is to have a family. AKA birth children myself. It's odd but I'm okay with the parts that are INSIDE of me. It's the outside that bothers me. I'm glad I have the parts to birth children. I feel like that's going to be an honor. Doesn't mean I have to like what the outside looks like.
The clit. My favorite outside bit. Just because I don't look at it doesn't mean I don't know what it does. I have considered clitoral enlargement. I really like the idea of being able to whack it off.
Strap-ons. I will be banging my guy up his ass with one when the time comes. I love the idea of being the fuck-er, not just the fuck-ee. We can switch off, I'm open to receiving in any hole, but I also want to get sucked and fuck as well.
I hope you find my article enjoyable! I can expand on more at any time!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Where has the time gone again?
I'm back. I have to write more often, because this is where I take out my stress and anger about gender...
Let's start with the trans group that I am in now. It's a fun time, if nothing more than spending time with others who have gender struggles. There's me, the gender variant, a MtF, and two FtMs who attend regularly. There's also another FtM and his partner who are facilitating the group. We've talked quite a bit about personal emotional struggles, how to represent trans identities, and bullying.
Bullying? That's a good topic to write about. Not sure if I've talked about it before, but apparently the sorority girls on my floor have an issue with me based upon my gender representation, especially in the bathroom. Which, I don't get, because it's not like they see my packer (Funny Idea, I should prance in the shower with it on...) and naked we all look the same, inherently. They don't get that we (as in, the transgressors of sexuality and/or gender) are still people, too. But anyway... the bullies have been reported and actions are being taken to get them off of our floor and out of the hall completely. It was an interesting situation, because I thought I was the only person getting bullied but then I got called in to give any information I knew about ANOTHER girl being bullied. What... the... hell?
So, point being, bullying sucks, but they will end up paying for it.
On a note about transgenderism, the 20th is National Transgender Remembrance Day, which is kind of a big deal now that I'm out. It's a day to remember any trans individuals who died from hate. It's lesser known than many of the LGB... issues that arise, so I just wanted everyone to know to take a moment of silence that day to remember Trans individuals who couldn't live the good life that others of us get to live. I have it good, I'm not going to deny that.
Something I've been struggling a lot with the past few days is that I had a vaginal exam... it was super degrading. And... I realized some dysphoria that I've been internalizing about my downstairs area. Granted, part of the issue was that there was a med student who was learning about how perfectly placed my cervix is, and how I have a shallow vag (good news boys, I don't need a big one after all!) but I wanted to cry the minute I separated my legs. I knew then how much I hate that area. While I like my vagina and what it does, I would love to have an enlarged clit. (I already have a big one, but I'm talking like... erectable) I just don't know what all this dysphoria means for me...
I need to lighten the mood. These are heavy topics.
Okay. So... that's not light. That's just me being horny for Snape again. HERE'S a lighter one.
Beautiful!!! TangerineExtreme does amazing YouTube videos. Plus... the real music video for that song scares me a little bit.
Well, anyway, I have counseling tonight, and I'm sure issues surrounding my identity will come to light as usual. I think I've done enough for today.
Let's start with the trans group that I am in now. It's a fun time, if nothing more than spending time with others who have gender struggles. There's me, the gender variant, a MtF, and two FtMs who attend regularly. There's also another FtM and his partner who are facilitating the group. We've talked quite a bit about personal emotional struggles, how to represent trans identities, and bullying.
Bullying? That's a good topic to write about. Not sure if I've talked about it before, but apparently the sorority girls on my floor have an issue with me based upon my gender representation, especially in the bathroom. Which, I don't get, because it's not like they see my packer (Funny Idea, I should prance in the shower with it on...) and naked we all look the same, inherently. They don't get that we (as in, the transgressors of sexuality and/or gender) are still people, too. But anyway... the bullies have been reported and actions are being taken to get them off of our floor and out of the hall completely. It was an interesting situation, because I thought I was the only person getting bullied but then I got called in to give any information I knew about ANOTHER girl being bullied. What... the... hell?
So, point being, bullying sucks, but they will end up paying for it.
On a note about transgenderism, the 20th is National Transgender Remembrance Day, which is kind of a big deal now that I'm out. It's a day to remember any trans individuals who died from hate. It's lesser known than many of the LGB... issues that arise, so I just wanted everyone to know to take a moment of silence that day to remember Trans individuals who couldn't live the good life that others of us get to live. I have it good, I'm not going to deny that.
Something I've been struggling a lot with the past few days is that I had a vaginal exam... it was super degrading. And... I realized some dysphoria that I've been internalizing about my downstairs area. Granted, part of the issue was that there was a med student who was learning about how perfectly placed my cervix is, and how I have a shallow vag (good news boys, I don't need a big one after all!) but I wanted to cry the minute I separated my legs. I knew then how much I hate that area. While I like my vagina and what it does, I would love to have an enlarged clit. (I already have a big one, but I'm talking like... erectable) I just don't know what all this dysphoria means for me...
I need to lighten the mood. These are heavy topics.
Okay. So... that's not light. That's just me being horny for Snape again. HERE'S a lighter one.
Beautiful!!! TangerineExtreme does amazing YouTube videos. Plus... the real music video for that song scares me a little bit.
Well, anyway, I have counseling tonight, and I'm sure issues surrounding my identity will come to light as usual. I think I've done enough for today.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
It's been a while... but I need to talk
I haven't been doing so well, guys... probably one of the many reasons I haven't written here. That, and the fact I'm in the process of changing majors, of having serious depression over my boy, getting in huge fights with my best friend, searching for myself...
But here's what I want to talk about. The discussion as to whether or not being "genderqueer" is a phase. Well, if it is, it is a phase that I have been going through since I was very little. Yep, I had that accusation last night, while I was on the verge of harming myself as it was. Luckily, I didn't. I knew better and I had a friend who pulled through for me and reminded me why it wasn't worth it. But... I was born as I am. I was born extremely masculine. I played a round of soccer tonight, went RC racing on Tuesday... I do my own thing. I've been packing a lot because of how much problems I've been having with myself and depression lately, and it does help a little.
I know a pretty cool guy that I met on Facebook who is making "Sock C@cks" by the way, and he sends them FOR FREE. If you are interested, comment and I will get back to you with his facebook address so that you can get in contact with him.
I'll try to write more again. I promise. I have another book I will be reading and will want to talk about it. I just need to get through exam week.
But here's what I want to talk about. The discussion as to whether or not being "genderqueer" is a phase. Well, if it is, it is a phase that I have been going through since I was very little. Yep, I had that accusation last night, while I was on the verge of harming myself as it was. Luckily, I didn't. I knew better and I had a friend who pulled through for me and reminded me why it wasn't worth it. But... I was born as I am. I was born extremely masculine. I played a round of soccer tonight, went RC racing on Tuesday... I do my own thing. I've been packing a lot because of how much problems I've been having with myself and depression lately, and it does help a little.
I know a pretty cool guy that I met on Facebook who is making "Sock C@cks" by the way, and he sends them FOR FREE. If you are interested, comment and I will get back to you with his facebook address so that you can get in contact with him.
I'll try to write more again. I promise. I have another book I will be reading and will want to talk about it. I just need to get through exam week.
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